Shart Week

Well, it seems to be all over the news; Al Roker sharted at the White House.  Talk about the over share of the century.  If you know me, you will know my feelings about Al Roker (i.e.  He should be fired from the Today Show and never ever be on TV again).   I can sympathize with an irritable digestive system, however, did the entire world really need to know (and be continually reminded) of your accidental explosion?  Did we need to know that you went commando post incident!?  In case you have yet to see his “juicy” confession, here it is:

This reminds me of an incident a few weeks ago with Ms. TMI.  We were discussing the high-fat, high-sugar, high-calorie foods that are abundant during the holidays.  She leans over and says, “I have to tell you something embarrassing.”  I know this is going to be an over share, but I can’t stop myself from letting her share away (plus my readers demand it!).  So, without further ado, here it is:

Ms. TMI:  So, you know Mr. STBBD is a redneck, right?  Well, turns out he is hates bodily functions.  Even if I burp in front of him he is grossed out.  I have never even really farted in front of him, until last week.

Me:  (giggle) How is that possible?  You have been living together for a while now?

Ms. TMI:  I know! (hushed voice) Have you ever heard of a shart?

Me:  What?!  Did you just ask me if I know what a shart is?!  Yes, sadly, I am aware.

Ms. TMI:  Well, last week I was teleworking and Mr. STBBD was also home.  I was at the dining room table working away and he was in the living room watching TV.  It’s an open floor plan so there is no division between the rooms.  Anyway, I totally forgot that he was there and farted…..except it turned out to be a shart!  Mr. STBBD shot up from the couch, turned around and just stared at me in disbelief.  I was so embarrassed.

Me:  Are you telling me that the first time you farted in front of your boyfriend it was a shart?!

Ms. TMI:  YES!!!  He was horrified.  I don’t think he will ever look at me the same again.

I DIE!  I will admit that I as she was telling me this story I had tears from laughing so hard.  For those of you that may not be familiar with this term, let me go ahead and share with you my favorite Urban Dictionary definition. 

                (shärt). 1. (v.) when you fart & end up with more then you bargained for

I don't really know how to top that, so I guess I will stop here.

Until next time,  Cheers!

Off Like a Shot

Happy New Year everyone!  Let's not waste anytime and jump right into the thick of it.  First up, our most active of personalities, Ms. Wim.

Today she showed up in a walking cast.  Yes…a boot.  This is just the visual reminder of the black cloud that follows her around.  Her 2 week vacation (which ended in week 3 of being home with the flu) was traumatic, in more ways than one. 

Injured Foot:  She was dancing in North Carolina and hurt her foot.  She thought it was broken so had someone take her to the ER.  At the ER they said it was a sprain and sent her on her way.  Apparently the doctors were wrong, it was broken, and she walked on it for the next 2 weeks.  Now she will need surgery to repair the damage.  This same North Carolina ER is also the location of patient zero (that got her sick).

Sick:  Patient zero at the NC ER gave her just enough incubation time to get from North Carolina to Las Vegas.  Only a day after arriving in Las Vegas, she landed in yet another ER. I received the following text:

At ER in NV…104 degree fever…Was exposed to both flu and meningitis.  Am trying to get flight tonight if I can and be able to get home.  If I need a spinal tap, I don’t want to get it here if possible.

Amazingly she got a flight home (infecting everyone else on board because the airline “wouldn’t let me wear a mask”).  I would have been soooooooooo pissed if I had to sit next to her. 

All of last week she was out sick with the flu.  She had another ER visit in there somewhere too.  3 weeks, 3 visits to the ER.  Damn.

Boys:  I have avoided all talk of her romantic escapades so far because I’ve conveniently been busy when she has come by.  All I know is that she made out with 4 different boys…all of them in their 20’s. Cougar for real.

Short and sweet, I know.  Once I get more dirt on her trip I will pass it all along.

Now onto Ms. TMI.  She has been playing it pretty low key.  She finally admitted to herself that she likes the idea of her boyfriend more than the actual boyfriend and has attempted to change everything about him.  Realizing this and trying to pull it together, she has gone back to therapy after an extended absence.  She will be bringing Mr. STBBD with her next week (he doesn't know it yet).  She has not told her therapist that she is trying to get pregnant….calling Dr. Freud!  In all of the conversations about her man, she has used the words/phrases “dumb,“  “not intelligent,” and “I don’t respect him.”  Nice descriptors for the future father of her children, right? 

On a semi related note, she is back on the weight loss band wagon.  This little gem is going to get good because we signed up for the same group fitness class.

2013 is off to a banging start.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Cheers!

And to Each a Good Night

Long time no blog!!  A lot has happened, mostly with Ms. Woe Is Me.  She is a hot mess.  I really think someone needs to study her because she needs her own DMS-V diagnosis.  It’s hard to keep track of everything, so I have been keeping a running list (maybe I need my own psych diagnosis too!).  In an effort to summarize crazy, here it is:

·         She was attacked by a pit bull mix as she was leaving her apartment to go jogging one Saturday morning.  The dog tackled her as she came around the corner and bit through her heavy duty coat.  It came inches from her carotid and nearly killed her.  The police and animal control were called.  She decided to not press charges because the dog belonged to a man that is currently serving in Iraq and his parents are watching it while he is away. 

                                                                                                                  

·         She went on a cruise over Thanksgiving and was really sea sick (and also sick-sick).  The boat engines broke down in the middle of the sea and the swells were over 4 meters with winds at 40knots.  She had to just stay in her cabin because it was too hard to stand or move (did mention she was a marine biologist for 10+years?!).  Because of the breakdown they also missed one of the stops and she wasn’t able to go on her pre-paid excursions.  After she got back and removed her motion-sickness patch, she had vertigo for the next 4 days.

·         The night she came back, she was at the same party her ex-boyfriend(?), the bed wetter.  He was rude and didn’t even say hi.  Instead, he texted her from across the room to tell her that he was also there and that they shouldn’t make things “awkward.”

·         One night she was going to go on a date with someone she met on match.com “a while ago.”  She cancelled dinner plans to celebrate her birthday with some of her girlfriends so that she could go meet him.  Surprise, Surprise, he was a no show, no call, no text.  Completely stood-up.  While the rest of the world would just leave it there and take a hint, she decided to call him up the next day and berate him about his behavior.   

·         Her Dad forgot her birthday completely.  Days after the big day, she called him to make sure he was ok.  He never mentioned her birthday, or the expensive Christmas gift she sent.

·         She is “talking” to other ex-boyfriend on the regular.   She still “loves him” and is trying her best to get back with him.  From her recounting of their conversations, he is sending her pretty strong “not in this lifetime” and “I pity you” signals. 

·         She is still looking for a new car.  I’m certain she has been to every car dealer in a 100 mile radius.  There are always problems with 1) the car, 2) the dealer, or 3) both.  I’m beginning to think that she is blacklisted for her nonsensical behavior because “even if I call in advance, no one will help me.”  I pity the salesmen that are dealing with her.  She has even begun to have salesman take iPhone pictures of her posture in the car (because she has to have perfect alignment) and even taking a test drive from one dealership to another (with the salesman in tow).  She is still planning to write an exposé on how awful it is to buy a car in the area. 

·         She is getting sick right before her 2 week trip over the holidays.  She has spent the past several days out in the cold and rain car shopping.  It will probably be pneumonia and she will be miserable the entire time.  I see a trip the ER in her near future. 

Wow…just wow.  Each of those little bullet points is a much longer story, but that’s all I have for now!  I will keep my list going and next time I will update you on Ms. TMI.

Cheers and Happy Holidays!

It’s Over!…Or Is It?

This blogging business is harder than it looks!  Again, damn you work for getting in the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all on Ms. TMI, so let’s begin:

A new theme with Ms. TMI is that she and Mr. STBBD are over, for good!  She has always had nasty things to say about him, but about  3 weeks ago she told me about how she just wasn’t sure he was really into having a baby because they never really talk about it (re: he is a Neanderthal).  You all know that she is super serious about her baby making schedule and for this to all work, he needs to be on board.  Apparently, he is not down with scheduled baby dance days.  As she was telling me all of this she has the stark realization that “if he can’t handle this now, how will he handle this when we actually have a baby.”  I thought maybe that would change her mind about getting knocked up by a man she doesn’t even really seem to like, but nope, this statement was closely followed by “I guess I just have to get used to the idea of being a single mom.” 

Fast forward.  Ms. TMI rolled in later than usual and clearly had a rough night.  It turns out it was not just a sleepless night, but a "raging fight on the home front" night.  It was baby dance day and Ms. TMI was relentless (not wanting to let an opportunity pass her by).  Mr. STBBD tried to escape his duty by going to bed early but Ms. TMI was onto him and she was not going to let him go that easy.  When she confronted him on this behavior he snapped and said “I’m so sick of this shit!  All I ever hear is baby, baby, baby!  Just let it the fuck go!”  As you can imagine, this set off the powder keg.  I know that it involved screaming at the top of lungs, throwing things, etc.  At one point Ms. TMI had her car keys in hand to go to the gas station to get booze and cigs, but Mr. STBBD refused to let her leave.  This all culminated after quite a few rounds with Mr. STBBD putting all his stuff in a suitcase, grabbing the dog, and leaving by saying “give me ‘til Friday to find another place to live and then you’ll never see me again.”  Of course, she responded with a “You better find something sooner because your shit will be on the doorstep tomorrow.”  Nice.

There were all kinds of details and Ms. TMI was sparing none of them.  Unfortunately (or not), I had to her rush to the end so I could make a meeting.  I guess there was some back and forth over the next few hours via angry texts and phone calls.  She drank wine; he drove around with the dog.  At some point he came home and they went to bed (in the same bed, btw).  They didn’t speak to each other the next morning and when she was telling me this story had not yet spoken to him.  When I asked her what she was going to do or what the plan was, she didn’t have an answer.  Drama, drama.

I think this was close to Thanksgiving and I didn’t really see her over the next few days to find out what happened.  I figured they kissed and made up when pictures of the two of them were all over her Facebook page celebrating with friends and family.  He also got her lots and lots of Harley merchandise using his “points” that she proudly modeled in her profile pic.  In any case, she never said another word about it, but has since told me she is onto the next cycle of fertility treatment, so I guess it’s all systems go!  (for now).  She is also taking bets on when he will propose.  Anyone have guesses?

That is all I have for now.  I know content has been low, so here is some exciting news:  I will now be accepting guest submissions!  If you have crazy co-workers or learned way more about a stranger than you ever wanted to know, send it to answerstounaskedquestions@gmail.com

Cheers!

Cruisin’ the Crimson Tide

Ms. Wim came in my office today to tell me all about her pending travel plans.  She has decided that she will start marking things off her bucket list and is eager to get started.  First on the list is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  Then Saturday she leaves on a Caribbean cruise.  December will be a trip to North Carolina and then Vegas after the New Year.  All very exciting things. But you know that nothing Ms. Wim does can go off without a hitch and this week is no exception.  For those of you sensitive to “woman” issues, consider yourself warned!

Ms. Wim was telling me all about her travel arrangements and her packing strategy.  Then she casually mentioned that she unexpectedly got her period “of course, right before my trip.”  She also told me that this will last the entire length of her cruise.  Totally unfortunate, but not unmanageable, right?  Wrong!  I said “Oh, that sucks.  Thank goodness for tampons.”  To which she responded, “I’ve never used tampons.”  Wait….what!?  Yes folks, she is 40 and has never used tampons.  I guess this could be more common that I think, but I am still just amazed.  She then went on in detail about her menstrual problems.  At one point she told he about how she slept over at a guy’s house and in the morning the bed  “looked like I had a miscarriage.”  Friends….how do you respond to that?!  I die. 

Safe to read again………Interesting note:  she has to bring Immodium instead of Pepto for digestional upset because Pepto turns her tongue black.  Apparently she learned this after going crazy on cheese fondue in Switzerland (before she realized she was lactose intolerant) and they gave her Pepto.   She ended up missing out on a few days of the group tour because her black tongue was concerning and no one knew what was the cause.  I guess it is now a known side effect of Pepto.  http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/06/science/q-a-084760.html  File this one under Jeopardy knowledge.

She will be gone for the next 10 days or so, but I’m sure there will be plenty of updates when she returns. 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I'm Baaaaacckkkkkk

Hello my faithful blog readers!!!  It has been too long.  Between work, work, and work, I’ve been unable to get you the latest news. Do not worry; plenty of drama to go around.  I promise I will be better from here on out.

So, to get us back into the groove, I present for your reading enjoyment and update on Ms. Wim and Ms. TMI.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Our local TV station has a segment called “on your side” that does investigative consumer reporting and helps locals settle long standing disputes with businesses.  Well, last week Ms. Wim was practically jumping up and down when she learned that they were interested in helping her with her complaint.  About what you ask?  Well, 2 years ago her apartment complex switched to Fios and Verizon needed to go into all of the apartments to do the wiring. While Verizon was in her apartment they broke and/or damaged several of her items, all of which are irreplaceable!!!  They owe her money for her damaged goods!!

Before I continue this tale of woe, I would like to tell you about her apartment, as I have recently had the joy of seeing it firsthand.  How do I put this delicately?…….She is a hoarder.   Every square inch of her place has clothes, tchotchkes, plants, books, movies, etc. etc.   She would be an excellent candidate for a home makeover show.  Ms. Wim also has an extensive collection of vintage clothes, hats, and cameras, all of which are strewn all over the place.  I’m pretty sure it is a 2bedroom, but one of them is completely full of stuff. Here is an idea of what we are dealing with (not her actually place).

I have lived in apartments for over 10 years, and I know that when you have service people scheduled to come to your place, they usually tell you when they are coming, what they are going to do, and anything you need to do in advance (lock up pets, clear an area).  I don’t know what they did or did not tell Ms. Wim, but I do recall her coming to work after her lunch break a few years ago crying about how these service people just “ripped” her place apart and that everything was "destroyed."  Since this incident 2 years ago, she has continued to contact Verizon demanding reimbursement for her damaged property.  Initially they weren’t taking any responsibility and said that the installers were a contract company and therefore they were not responsible.  She did not accept this and Verizon eventually wrote her a check for ½ what she was asking for, I’m guessing a goodwill gesture to make her go away (I would LOVE to know how much that is!).

In any case, this was NOT enough to make up for her lost personal effects.  Ms. Wim is sure there is a conspiracy abound because every time someone from Verizon would finally agree to help her settle her claim once and for all she would soon after get notification that that person “no longer works for the company.”  She finally reached her boiling point and contacted the local news station to help her out. 

The "on your side" producers said they were interested in her story and expressed so in an email to her.  Ms. Wim then took this email and emailed it to Verizon HQ to let them know if the matter wasn’t resolved by the month’s end, she would go ahead with the story and her lawyers would be in contact with them.  She was very excited at the prospects; however, she also noted that she hopes they actually settle, because she doesn’t have a lawyer and probably couldn't afford one.  Any bets on how this will turn out?

I report, you decide.

The Secret

Ms. TMI has been playing it cool lately.  Every now and then I get to hear her belittle STBBD on the phone or lay down the law for one of her friends.  Nothing too entertaining..... until this awesome exchange.

Ms. TMI:  So, you know I’ve been feeling like a broken woman lately because I can’t get pregnant.  I’m just so frustrated and I don’t think it is ever going to happen.

Me:  nodding

Ms. TMI:  Well, my friend was telling me about this book she read and I started to read it too.  It all about getting back from the universe what you put out.  So, like, if you put out positive energy, you get positive energy back.  The book also talks about visualizing what you want. I really want STBBD to read it too….he doesn’t read though, so I looked on Amazon and they have movie! I’m going to make him watch the movie because I think it will be good for him too…

Me:  interrupting  Wait….are you talking about “The Secret”?

Ms. TMI:  YES!!!! OMG, have you read it?  How have you heard about it? 

Me:  How have you NOT heard about it!?  It came out in like 2006 and was ALL over the news.  I’m pretty sure Oprah was obsessed with it too. 

Ms. TMI:  You know I live in a bubble!  So you’ve read it?

Me:  Hell no! 

Ms. TMI:  Why not?!  It’s amazing. My friend says it changed her life.  I am really liking it too.  I bet you would really benefit from it.

Me:  uhhhhhhh, no thanks.  Let me know how it works for you though!

Ms TMI:  Whatever.  I like it.

and scene

So, now we can put “The Secret” to the test and see if she can manifest herself a baby.  Side note:  If you are still looking for some time to kill after reading this blog post, you will find great entertainment in reading reviewer comments for “The Secret” on Amazon.

Until next time friends!

Cheers

 

Straight To Voicemail

Yesterday started off with a bang.  Ms. Wim was in my office at 9am sharp with all the details of her weekend.  She went to Philly for a dance event that people from "all over the world" go to.  This is pretty common for Ms. Wim, as she spends her "free" time on the blues/jazz/swing dance scene.  As I'm sure you are anticipating, the weekend was a bust.

• She got to Philly late on Friday night.  She was running late because she was sooooo behind at work and also needed to finish homework before she left.  Since she doesn't have a car, this also means that her friend giving her a ride was not pleased to be leaving late on her account and they had a chilly ride.
• At the event, she ended up running into an ex-boyfriend.  This ex-boyfriend unceremoniously dropped her like a bad habit without notice years ago and she hadn't seen or heard from him since.  Seeing him triggered all sorts of emotions of relationships past and she had a breakdown in the middle of the dance floor.  I'm pretty sure that this devastating breakup was a mere 2 months after they started dating.
• On the ride back from Philly Sunday night she was texting her bed-wetter 25yro boyfriend (of 2 weeks) and he was slow to respond.  She ended up sending him the passive-aggressive "Hello?" text, to which he finally responded with "Sorry, I have been cleaning up my place because xxx is coming over."  waaaa???  xxx is the hot young thing that he was attempting to date before he found himself with a cougar.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this didn't sit well with Ms. Wim, and on the heals of a bad weekend, she would not let this slide.  So, after she got to her place, she texted him to see if he was available to chat, suspecting that xxx was already there.  He agreed to the call and then proceeded to utter the oh so fateful "I don't think this is gonna work out."  The nerve!!! and at 11:30pm!!!  He is so inconsiderate and she couldn't sleep all night! I thought she was taking it well when she remarked that "at least now I can take the plastic sheet of my bed.  That thing was making me so hot!"  lolz

So, that was the recap.....at least until lunch time.  I again made the mistake of answering my phone without seeing who was calling.  I was just pulling up to my place for lunch break and never even considered that it might be Ms. Wim. 

Ms. Wim:  (sobbing) OMG, I can not believe what just happened.

Me:  What happened?

Ms. Wim:  I was on my way to lunch and I saw boss lady in the hallway.  She asked me how my weekend was, so I began to tell her all about it.....the ex-boyfriend, bed-wetter breaking up with me, how upset I am.....everything.  (sob sob sob).  While I was waiting for the elevator to come, I looked down at my phone to see what time it was and then I saw that it was his voicemail.  My entire conversation was recorded on his voicemail.

Me:  whose voicemail?

Ms. Wim:  Bed-wetter's voicemail.  My entire conversation with boss lady talking about him is now recorded on his voicemail.  He is going to hear everything!!  I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. (sob sob sob)

Wow.  I was not expecting that.  Talk about a nail in the coffin for that short-lived relationship.  I think the only upside to her Monday was that Nissan recalled the Altima she purchased and then successfully returned.  I can only imagine what her reaction would have been if she had kept the car.

Cheers!