Shart Week

Well, it seems to be all over the news; Al Roker sharted at the White House.  Talk about the over share of the century.  If you know me, you will know my feelings about Al Roker (i.e.  He should be fired from the Today Show and never ever be on TV again).   I can sympathize with an irritable digestive system, however, did the entire world really need to know (and be continually reminded) of your accidental explosion?  Did we need to know that you went commando post incident!?  In case you have yet to see his “juicy” confession, here it is:

This reminds me of an incident a few weeks ago with Ms. TMI.  We were discussing the high-fat, high-sugar, high-calorie foods that are abundant during the holidays.  She leans over and says, “I have to tell you something embarrassing.”  I know this is going to be an over share, but I can’t stop myself from letting her share away (plus my readers demand it!).  So, without further ado, here it is:

Ms. TMI:  So, you know Mr. STBBD is a redneck, right?  Well, turns out he is hates bodily functions.  Even if I burp in front of him he is grossed out.  I have never even really farted in front of him, until last week.

Me:  (giggle) How is that possible?  You have been living together for a while now?

Ms. TMI:  I know! (hushed voice) Have you ever heard of a shart?

Me:  What?!  Did you just ask me if I know what a shart is?!  Yes, sadly, I am aware.

Ms. TMI:  Well, last week I was teleworking and Mr. STBBD was also home.  I was at the dining room table working away and he was in the living room watching TV.  It’s an open floor plan so there is no division between the rooms.  Anyway, I totally forgot that he was there and farted…..except it turned out to be a shart!  Mr. STBBD shot up from the couch, turned around and just stared at me in disbelief.  I was so embarrassed.

Me:  Are you telling me that the first time you farted in front of your boyfriend it was a shart?!

Ms. TMI:  YES!!!  He was horrified.  I don’t think he will ever look at me the same again.

I DIE!  I will admit that I as she was telling me this story I had tears from laughing so hard.  For those of you that may not be familiar with this term, let me go ahead and share with you my favorite Urban Dictionary definition. 

                (shärt). 1. (v.) when you fart & end up with more then you bargained for

I don't really know how to top that, so I guess I will stop here.

Until next time,  Cheers!

Off Like a Shot

Happy New Year everyone!  Let's not waste anytime and jump right into the thick of it.  First up, our most active of personalities, Ms. Wim.

Today she showed up in a walking cast.  Yes…a boot.  This is just the visual reminder of the black cloud that follows her around.  Her 2 week vacation (which ended in week 3 of being home with the flu) was traumatic, in more ways than one. 

Injured Foot:  She was dancing in North Carolina and hurt her foot.  She thought it was broken so had someone take her to the ER.  At the ER they said it was a sprain and sent her on her way.  Apparently the doctors were wrong, it was broken, and she walked on it for the next 2 weeks.  Now she will need surgery to repair the damage.  This same North Carolina ER is also the location of patient zero (that got her sick).

Sick:  Patient zero at the NC ER gave her just enough incubation time to get from North Carolina to Las Vegas.  Only a day after arriving in Las Vegas, she landed in yet another ER. I received the following text:

At ER in NV…104 degree fever…Was exposed to both flu and meningitis.  Am trying to get flight tonight if I can and be able to get home.  If I need a spinal tap, I don’t want to get it here if possible.

Amazingly she got a flight home (infecting everyone else on board because the airline “wouldn’t let me wear a mask”).  I would have been soooooooooo pissed if I had to sit next to her. 

All of last week she was out sick with the flu.  She had another ER visit in there somewhere too.  3 weeks, 3 visits to the ER.  Damn.

Boys:  I have avoided all talk of her romantic escapades so far because I’ve conveniently been busy when she has come by.  All I know is that she made out with 4 different boys…all of them in their 20’s. Cougar for real.

Short and sweet, I know.  Once I get more dirt on her trip I will pass it all along.

Now onto Ms. TMI.  She has been playing it pretty low key.  She finally admitted to herself that she likes the idea of her boyfriend more than the actual boyfriend and has attempted to change everything about him.  Realizing this and trying to pull it together, she has gone back to therapy after an extended absence.  She will be bringing Mr. STBBD with her next week (he doesn't know it yet).  She has not told her therapist that she is trying to get pregnant….calling Dr. Freud!  In all of the conversations about her man, she has used the words/phrases “dumb,“  “not intelligent,” and “I don’t respect him.”  Nice descriptors for the future father of her children, right? 

On a semi related note, she is back on the weight loss band wagon.  This little gem is going to get good because we signed up for the same group fitness class.

2013 is off to a banging start.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Cheers!