Ms. TMI arrived today at 10:30 per the usual. She came in without much incident. As I was on my way to lunch, she asked me to come into her office "real quick." We all know what this is about, so let’s just dive in.
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Ms. TMI: Mr. Boss asked me if I was ok because my eyes are puffy. I told him I have been having a strange allergy attack and sneezing all week and that you had been making fun of me. Just an FYI that you’re my cover.
Me: um, ok
Ms. TMI: So, I talked to Mr. Perfect Man I Never Dated (Mr. PMIND) yesterday for an hour and a half. He feels the same way as I do about things. It was nice to know I’m not the only one. I mean, it was just so good to talk to him. He is my best friend and I don’t have that with my current boyfriend. Like…. Mr. Soon to be Baby Daddy (Mr. STBBD) and I get along, but we aren’t, um….like friends. I told him that on one side I’m in love with him and that I know he doesn’t want to be with me…….. and that on the other side I have a man that is in love with me and I’m not really even good friends with…..I want both.
Me: I’m confused. How did this whole conversation with Mr. PMIND even start? (I should have just nodded instead of asking this question)
Ms TMI: Well, I called Mr. PMIND yesterday. When he answered the phone he was like ‘what’s wrong, you only call me when you need to talk.’ We just exchanged pleasantries, and then he asked me how I was with Mr. STBBD and that whole thing. I just lost it and told him that I was so stressed out and that Mr. STBBD never talks….I mean, he might as well grunt and carry around a club. I love him, but we don’t, like, talk or anything. I just don’t know if I can deal with it. sigh So anyway, we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice. We are going to the movies next week. You know?….after all of that talking he never even mentioned living with his girlfriend. I wonder what's up with that?!
****she went on to detail every letter of the conversation, so let’s fast forward to the end****
Ms. TMI: So last night I was on the phone with Mr. STBBD because he is out of town for work and I told him that we need to talk….he responded with ‘what did I do now!? Every 2 weeks something new is wrong, so what is it this time?’ I can’t believe he said that and I was just pissed from the beginning. So I told him that it’s the same problem we have every 2 weeks; that he doesn’t talk and our entire relationship is so surface. I mean...... I straight up asked him what he thought about having a baby and what we would tell our future children about how they came into the world. So, this led to a huge fight and I finally lost it on him and called him a ‘white trash redneck.’ He hung up…….
****She then continued to detail how she would like to tell her teenage children how they came into the world once they asked her (remember, she’s not even prego). She also told me about the paint colors for their future bedrooms.****
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Are you all as bored as I am???? FML. This girl could seriously go on for hours and hours uninterrupted with back-story after back-story. An hour into the convo I finally reminded her I was on my way to lunch. So, let’s recap what I learned today from the above interaction and several personal phone calls:
· Mr. STBBD is a Redneck Neanderthal
· Mr. PMIND and her are soooooooo connected and she fears that she will never find that with anyone else
· She has high Christian morals, but will explain to her future children that her age played into her decision to have babies before marriage (or a ring)
· Her bowling Groupon is expiring this weekend
· She is supposed to ovulate on Monday
· If she makes a suggestion on furniture placement in your house and you don’t take it, she will be “highly offended," because, after all, you don't pay a designer and then don't take their advice
· She had not yet received an invite to her friend’s dad’s birthday party (inconceivable!)
· Just because you have a license doesn’t mean you are a good driver
· She was in an accident when she was 20 in her blue Mountaineer and broke some bones in her hand, but thanfully the tire on the back absorbed a lot of the shock
· Grandma shit herself today
Next week I will tell you about the “muffin incident” and introduce you to some more of my cray-cray coworkers…..we are just getting warmed up!
Cheers!
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