Straight To Voicemail

Yesterday started off with a bang.  Ms. Wim was in my office at 9am sharp with all the details of her weekend.  She went to Philly for a dance event that people from "all over the world" go to.  This is pretty common for Ms. Wim, as she spends her "free" time on the blues/jazz/swing dance scene.  As I'm sure you are anticipating, the weekend was a bust.

• She got to Philly late on Friday night.  She was running late because she was sooooo behind at work and also needed to finish homework before she left.  Since she doesn't have a car, this also means that her friend giving her a ride was not pleased to be leaving late on her account and they had a chilly ride.
• At the event, she ended up running into an ex-boyfriend.  This ex-boyfriend unceremoniously dropped her like a bad habit without notice years ago and she hadn't seen or heard from him since.  Seeing him triggered all sorts of emotions of relationships past and she had a breakdown in the middle of the dance floor.  I'm pretty sure that this devastating breakup was a mere 2 months after they started dating.
• On the ride back from Philly Sunday night she was texting her bed-wetter 25yro boyfriend (of 2 weeks) and he was slow to respond.  She ended up sending him the passive-aggressive "Hello?" text, to which he finally responded with "Sorry, I have been cleaning up my place because xxx is coming over."  waaaa???  xxx is the hot young thing that he was attempting to date before he found himself with a cougar.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this didn't sit well with Ms. Wim, and on the heals of a bad weekend, she would not let this slide.  So, after she got to her place, she texted him to see if he was available to chat, suspecting that xxx was already there.  He agreed to the call and then proceeded to utter the oh so fateful "I don't think this is gonna work out."  The nerve!!! and at 11:30pm!!!  He is so inconsiderate and she couldn't sleep all night! I thought she was taking it well when she remarked that "at least now I can take the plastic sheet of my bed.  That thing was making me so hot!"  lolz

So, that was the recap.....at least until lunch time.  I again made the mistake of answering my phone without seeing who was calling.  I was just pulling up to my place for lunch break and never even considered that it might be Ms. Wim. 

Ms. Wim:  (sobbing) OMG, I can not believe what just happened.

Me:  What happened?

Ms. Wim:  I was on my way to lunch and I saw boss lady in the hallway.  She asked me how my weekend was, so I began to tell her all about it.....the ex-boyfriend, bed-wetter breaking up with me, how upset I am.....everything.  (sob sob sob).  While I was waiting for the elevator to come, I looked down at my phone to see what time it was and then I saw that it was his voicemail.  My entire conversation was recorded on his voicemail.

Me:  whose voicemail?

Ms. Wim:  Bed-wetter's voicemail.  My entire conversation with boss lady talking about him is now recorded on his voicemail.  He is going to hear everything!!  I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. (sob sob sob)

Wow.  I was not expecting that.  Talk about a nail in the coffin for that short-lived relationship.  I think the only upside to her Monday was that Nissan recalled the Altima she purchased and then successfully returned.  I can only imagine what her reaction would have been if she had kept the car.

Cheers!

Will It Fall Out?

Happy Monday everyone!
Ms. TMI isn't in yet (no surprise here), so let me take this time to share a few tales from last week.

Last Thursday, Ms. TMI was in the throws of fertility talk.  She had just come back from getting some lab work done at her doctors office. They wanted to check her progesterone levels and adjust her fertility drugs accordingly.  As she was telling me all of this, she suddenly doubles over and screeches "Ouch!".  She then proceeds to tell me she is having pain on her lower left side, and then asks me "What side is the uterus on?"  Ah hem...what?!  Yes, friends, you heard that right.  She asked me which side the uterus is on!  Even though she demonstrated to me the miracle of fertilization previously in that oh so amazing video from baby center, she is still clueless when it comes to the female anatomy.  I tried to keep my "are you kidding me" face hidden and quickly pulled up Google images to explain.  We spent a little time talking about all of the different lady parts, where fertilization actually happens, and how you won't actually "feel" implantation (Ms. TMI was convinced her side twinge was the pain was implantation).   Her response was priceless:  "but my doctor says I have a tilted uterus, so doesn't that mean its over to one side?" 

Fast forward to Thursday after work.

Ms. TMI decided she needed to start coming to the gym with me again.  Her doctor informed her that its harder for obese women to get pregnant because the fat wraps itself around vital organs, including the ovaries, which may inhibit ovulation.  About 10 minutes into the elliptical she says to me "Are you sure I should be doing this?  Like.....nothings going to fall out? right?"  I couldn't help but giggle and responded with "what exactly do you think is going to fall out?"  She said "my egg.  its not gonna fall out, is it?  This thing [elliptical] makes me bounce."  By this time my mouth is agape with shock.  I thought she was just messing with me, but the look on her face said otherwise. I think that all of these internet videos and visual aids have led her to think that they are actual size, as in the egg she releases is the size of a marble as it appears on the screen... High school biology fail.

I'm not really sure what to do with her.  Perhaps I should make my own work-inappropriate suggestion that she spend some time with a hand mirror and get to know her lady parts.

Cheers!

The Next Day…

I’m sure you are all curious about the outcome of the “car returning incident,” so let’s dig in.

Thursday morning I was admittedly very curious about what happened when Ms. Wim arrived at the dealership to return her new purchase.  Being that I now feel involved in the story, I stopped by her office to see what happened.  It goes a little something like this:

Me:  So, how did everything turn out last night?

Ms. Wim:  Well, it took me 2 hours to get there with the traffic and I cried the whole way there.  I called MD/JD to see if he would meet me there.  He said I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and my only hope was to cry.  I got to the dealer like 20minutes before they closed and the guy that sold me the car greeted me when I walked in.  He is such a nice guy, so I felt bad when I asked to see his manager.  When the manager showed up I asked to speak with him in private and he took me back to his office.

Me:  ok….

Ms. Wim:  I also brought in all of the stuff that I got from the Healthy Back store to show him that I tried to make it work.  I mean, I had over $200 worth of back supports, pillows, adjustments, and stuff to try to make it so the seat wouldn’t kill my back and neck.

Me:  What?

Ms. Wim:  Yesterday I just drove around all day trying to get the seat in the right position with the support cushions from Healthy Back.  I tried everything.  I even went to CarMax and tried other cars.  When I went to CarMax I was so stressed out and on the verge of tears that I almost snapped on the guy that asked me if that was my Altima and how I liked it. 

Me:  Why did you go to CarMax?

Ms. Wim:  I wanted to see what other options there were before I tried to return the car.  So anyway, I tell the manager that I tried everything and I know that I signed the paperwork, but I just couldn’t make it work.  The manager just said that clearly that wasn’t my car and took it back.  He even just handed me the keys and title to my old car back.  They were so nice about the whole thing. 

Me:  So now what are you going to do?

Ms. Wim:  I’m going to put the whole car buying thing on hold for a week.  I have so many things to do and I just can’t even think about it right now. Although (giggle), I did find a car like mine that I am interested in. (then she shows me a picture of her EXACT car, only 5 model years newer, and $14,000 cheaper than the car she just returned). 

Ms. Wim:  I am also going to write an article to the newspaper about how horrible buying a car in this area is.  They are all liars and cheats.  It’s just unbelievable.  I love to write.  This is just important for everyone to know.  They are all just horrible people.

So….that was that.  I’m sure there will be another 2 weeks of car talk to come. 

Cheers!

W(oe)TF?!

Well that was interesting.....

I was just at the gym getting my fitness on and my cell phone rings with a number I don't recognize.  I thought it was the doctors office with the results of a test I did earlier in the day, so I answered it.  Nope, not the doctor!  It was Ms. Wim...

Ms. Wim needed "2 big favors."  She totally caught me off guard and even more so that she was practically in tears on the phone.

Favor 1:  She needed to borrow my iPhone car charger because she can't find hers and her battery is dying.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), I left in in my car, which is currently in the shop. I told her that I might have an extra one in the house if she would like that one.  She declined saying it had to be a car charger, which leads to....

Favor 2:  Go to a town nearly an hour away with her, tonight.  ummmmmm....what??

I inquired as to why she was going there, to which she informed me that her neck was killing her and she has to return it.......return what you ask?  The car she purchased YESTERDAY!

Let's back up a second.  As you recall, she hemmed and hawed over which car to get for weeks.  She finally settled on the Nissan Altima and was announcing her decision up and down the halls yesterday morning like the town crier.  She left early to go complete her purchase.  I was not surprised when she didn't come back to work, assuming it took longer than expected to get all of the paperwork settled.  

I was expecting a full report in my office this morning, but she never showed.  I saw her sweep past my office later in the day and could hear her in a office just down the hall (that is occupied by our staff MD/JD).  I didn't really hear the conversation, but just general sounds of whining and panic.  Much like the boy who cried wolf, this isn't unusual, so I just ignored it.  However, after her call, it all comes together.  

When I declined her oh so tempting invitation to spend my evening returning her new car, she informed me that she was going to call the MD/JD to see if he would meet her there....at the dealership.  This is for real people.  It really happened.  I will also like to add the side note that the MD/JD has a wife and kids at home.  

I could go on and on about how messed up this is, but I will go ahead and leave you to your own conclusions.  I will also let this be a reminder to you to not answers phone calls from unrecognized phone numbers.

Cheers!

Woe-Is-Me'ing

Happy Friday to All!

Well, Ms. TMI is on telework today, so not too much new there.  Yesterday she continued to tell me about what she self-diagnosed as “Mittelschmerz,” otherwise known as ovulation pain.  Today over IM she let me know she was in hot pursuit of her OB/GYN to talk specifics.  Thankfully I can ignore her chats.  She did let me know she would be checking out early today…surprise, surprise.

Today seems like a good day to introduce you to the neurotic Ms. Woe Is Me.  Ms. Wim is a walking nut job for lack of a better term; albeit a well intended nut job.  She also has a flair for the dramatic and will quickly turn an otherwise non-event into an odyssey.  Currently she has 5 major ongoing issues (clinical diagnoses notwithstanding).   

1.       She has just started dating a new guy that is emotionally immature, bi-polar, and has urinary incontinence.  He is 25, she is 40.  She really likes him but isn’t sure she can handle his mood swings and the possibility that he will pee the bed every night, indefinitely.  This conversation is set on repeat and is usually followed closely with tales of her ex-boyfriend (whom she is still is in love with and hangs out with on occasion---also 25yrs old) and her ex-fiancé.  In case you were wondering, she hates them both. 

2.      Her car recently broke down and will cost more to repair than the car is worth.  I think she drives a 2000 Buick Regal, but I don't really know (I can never get past the Bush-Chaney sticker on the bumper).  She needs a comfortable car because she has a bad back and there aren’t many cars that have good seats AND a high safety rating.  After 2 weeks of test drives, snakey salesmen, and outright lies from the dealers, she has decided on the Nissan Altima.  Now the conversation has turned so that I get to hear about how it’s over her budget and she can’t afford it.  But she has to have a car…but if she gets the car she won’t be able to buy a house…..but, but, but

3.       She has had a migraine since Tuesday.  It nearly landed her in the ER Tuesday evening.  The only reason she didn’t go was because she didn’t have anyone to take her there!  She came into work on Wednesday with the tales of woe.   Several people, myself included, suggested she go get some Imatrix or other prescription migraine medicine.  She quickly retorted that she can’t take that because she had a seizure 10 years ago (this is where she digressed to tell us all about her seizure).  When you suggest she go home and take a nap…..nope…can’t do that either, too much work to do!  Ok…soooo, go to the damn doctor!  Thursday morning she shows up and tells me her doctor gave her vicodine for her headache and it makes her “feel funny.”  She was clearly high as a kite in my office.  Thankfully, her headache was gone…but the meds made her feel too weird.  I finally said “I really don’t know what to tell you.  Maybe you should try some pot.” (then she left my office)

4.       Her neighbors are “ghetto trash” and don’t allow her to sleep.  They are up all night and constantly pounding on her wall.  3am every morning!!  Despite pounding the wall back at them to get them to shut up, they never stop.  She has even knocked on their front door at 3am to get them to quiet down.  Alas, they refuse to keep it down.  I suggested she file a complaint with the management company; she won’t do it because they won’t do anything any way.  I have heard about the “noisy neighbors” for almost 2 months now.  Every time she tells me about them it is the same story:  they are always keeping her awake and she only ever gets 3 hours of sleep.  She just doesn't know what to do!  

5.       She is always tired and has way too many things to do. So many things in fact that she still is able to complete them even after telling me and I’m sure a half a dozen other people in the office about her issues for extended periods of time.  I also gather from our conversations that she spends about 5hrs a night on the phone telling other people her tales of woe too.  Soooooooo busy.  Woe is me!

As I’m sure you can imagine the telling of all of these tales is accompanied with lots of facial gestures, deeps sighs, and puppy dog eyes.  She actually has some of the male staff mesmerized with her damsel in distress ways and several go to “check-in” on her quite frequently.   In fact, I’m 99% that is how she was able to keep her job when it was on the line a year ago.  After all, how would she survive without this job?

Cheers!

"You Have To See This"

Sorry it has been a while since my last blog.  It was 3-day weekend and then I was out of the office on Tuesday.  Not to worry though; yesterday made up for my office absence.

Ms. TMI was full of wonderful little bits of information yesterday.  After her normal 10am arrival, I got to hear all about Mr. STBDD’s job; mostly about how he needs to find a new one but since he never graduated from high school it will be hard to find a new career.  I even got to witness Ms. TMI survey several people who stopped by her office what they think her undereducated man should do for a living.  I’m sure he would be happy to know we are all weighing in on his future career path.  

In the afternoon Ms. TMI was back on the baby train.  She even showed me her ovulation calendar, told me about the ovulation tests, pills, new acronyms (BDD=Baby Dance Day), when a positive pregnancy test would likely occur, etc.  Things I never wanted to know for sure.  The best part of this little shit show was when she decided to tell me all about fertilization, which included a visual aid.  Even thought she knows I am a science nerd and have taken too many classes to count on biology, chemistry, zoology, etc and can tell you all about this from a medical and technical perspective, she felt the need to show me a video about how it all happens (I guess because I’m not into having a baby I don’t really understand the process?!).  Apparently my education is no match for the information on baby center and the sci-fi version (think 300) animated video showing the process.  To me it looks more like the Greek army is invading than a miracle, but who am I to say.  Here for you viewing pleasure, the miracle of life:

http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-fertilization_10354435.bc

Also, for your viewing pleasure, is my internal reaction to all of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_S5cXbXe-4

Cheers!

Fun Facts Friday

Ms. TMI in at 9:30 today!!! Must be some kind of a record.  She has been keeping her head down and working today; no doubt to make up from earlier in the week.  She did take some time to share these little gems with me about her about her 2 brothers (I think they are actually like step-brothers twice removed or something).  Anyway, here is what I learned:

·         Brother 1 is developmentally delayed, but still managed to get a drivers license.  He also recently was in a little accident and fled the scene.  He was making a left hand turn at an intersection where there was a “no left hand turn” sign posted.  Her opinion is that his inability to follow the traffic signs is the exact reason he shouldn’t be driving.  (Note:  just 2 weeks ago she told me all about ticket for “failure to stop.”  hmmmmm).

·         Brother 2 is also a driver and has his car all done up with fancy lights and paint and what have you.   She referred to it as such:  “I don’t want to be racist or anything, but it’s like a spick mobile.” (note:  if you preface any sentence with “I don’t want to be racist” you are probably going to say some inappropriate shit).

·         Brother 2 is dating a crazy person.  She has multiple personality disorder and has undergone electroshock therapy.  But don’t worry, she is a very likable personable.

·         Brother 2 and MPD girlfriend recently house sat while she was away.  Over the weekend they decided to do a photo shoot in her bedroom and then post the pictures on Facebook.  I guess over sharing runs in the “family.”

This all serves as a nice little reminder to not tell Ms. TMI ANYTHING that you don’t want the whole world to know.

Cheers!

8 Hour Work Day

10am:  Ms. TMI arrived

10:01am:  Ms. TMI came into my office to tell me about the bday card the Mr. STBBD gave her and showed me the picture of it on her phone.  She commented, “I was going to put this on Facebook, but I feel so naked on there already.  I don’t need the whole world to know my business, that’s what I have you for!”  Yup.  That sums it up pretty well.

10:10am:   Ms. TMI had her first personal phone call for the day.

11:30am:  Ms. TMI decided it was time to discuss pre-natal vitamins with me (and by that I mean telling me all about it by shouting across the hall).  You see, her OB/GYN said it’s doesn’t matter which pill she takes, but her other doctor said it needs to have certain ingredients.  The Women’s One a Day has all of the required ingredients, but not in the right quantity.  Unfortunately, Amazon has been no help in locating the perfect pre-natal, so now she will have to go to a bunch of different website to compare.  What is a girl to do!?

11:41am:  Left for an early lunch with a friend.  I’m sure she won’t be back until 2. 

Ah…a day in the life. 

Cheers!

They Do Exist

Not a lot to report on Ms. TMI today.  She came in at 2pm.  In the brief 5minutes that we saw each other, I learned that she was throwing up last night, has a nasty headache, and Mr. STBBD got in a car accident.  I guess that is a lot of info for 5 min.  I should probably also mention that she didn't tell me this, but was telling another office mate that was in her office.

I would like to share with you that not all of my co-workers are crazy and/or inappropriate.  Observe:

Yesterday when I was returning from lunch with my arms full of bags and poster board, I ran into 2 coworkers that were curious about my arm load of stuff.  During our conversation, one of the women touched my shoulder and I straightened up.  She has made it her personal mission to correct my posture.   I will be the first one to admit that I need help in this area and she and I have had conversations about this in the past, so no intrusion here at all.  The other woman chimed in with "You are such an amazing and beautiful girl.  Stand up straight and show it off."  If you know me, you will also know I'm not very good with compliments, but I assured her that I would do my best to to keep my shoulders back and my head up.  Not 5 minutes later, I got an email from the second woman:

Subject Line:  Sending an Apology

I'm sending an apology for publicly commenting on your posture today which is none of my business.  I don't know what caused this outburst though I think I'm turning into my dearly beloved Auntie H.  Your just so attractive and...

Anyway, I will keep my thoughts to myself in the future.

Regards

A totally unnecessary apology in my opinion, but I do appreciate the sentiment. That, my friends, is the unicorn of my office; someone with manners and professionalism.
Cheers!

Muffin Top

Today I will take a little time to fill you in on the muffin incident.  I’m sure Ms. TMI won’t show up until nearly noon today since its pouring rain here and yesterday was the b-day.   So, for your entertainment, I present you with the “muffin incident,” which is also part of the impetus for starting this blog:

I am not the most fit person in the world, but I do try to take care of myself.  I eat a healthy, balanced, low-calorie diet and I work out 6 times a week.  My weight has yo-yoed over the years, but I’m happy where I am at now and work really hard to stay here.  Part of this effort includes planning my meals in advance, calculating calories, and putting in some work at the gym.

Ms. TMI, on the other hand, has a weight problem.  This is a delicate issue, but let me stress to you that by weight problem, I’m not talking about losing the last 10lbs.  For example, her doctors said that she needed to lose at least 50lbs before she even attempted to get pregnant.  She claims she was fit in high school and even played basketball, but her lack of coordination suggests she was more likely a bench warmer (takes one to know one).  She is always seemingly frustrated with her weight and on to the next fad diet or quick fix (side note:  a giant F U to Dr. Oz for promoting these miracle pills to speed up metabolism).  Last year when I dropped some serious pounds with strict diet and exercise, she asked me to help her in the gym to help jump start her weight loss.  I agreed.

She started strong with attendance but was lazy when we were there.  20min on the elliptical was a chore and walking on the treadmill was too hard on her knees (allegedly).  We did some weight stuff, but the minute she started to break a sweat, she was “done.”  Of course, this led to frustration (on both our parts) and zero weight loss.  I kept urging her to keep a food diary and watch what she ate.  We all know that the time you put into the gym won’t matter if you are stopping at Mickey D’s on your way home.  As a FFK (former fat kid), I can sympathize with weight struggles, but you get out what you put in.  I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that our little expeditions to the gym quickly came to an end.    

So, she went back to the quick fixes.  First, it was the South Beach diet.  She stayed with this for about 2 months.  She was happy with the weight loss, stopped following the diet, and quickly piled the weight back on, and then some.  Next, Weight Watchers.  Now, if you have ever been friends with someone on Weight Watchers, you know they sometimes turn from a food choice ignoramus into food nutrition expert in no time.  This was the case with Ms. TMI.

Lots of the other ladies in the office also started WW at the same time.  I, admittedly feeling left out, also joined.  Ms. TMI then decided that she was going to be MY food counselor.  Now, for those of you who are familiar with the program, she had 49pts/day; I had 26pts/day.  This is where I become super irritated.  She would tell me all about what she had eaten and describe exactly how she made it (of course).  When she asked me what I ate, I would tell her and her response was always, “you aren’t eating enough food.”  Ah-hem.  Now here comes the good stuff…..

Every morning for breakfast I have a Fiber One muffin I make myself (170cal), Light & Fit yogurt (80cal), and a piece of fruit.  According to Ms. TMI, this is not a healthy choice….  On not 1, not 2, but 3 separate occasions, she saw what I was having, and said “A muffin!?  How many points is that?!  I don’t think that’s on Weight Watchers!” 

EXCUSE ME?!  No no no no no no no no.  This is when I can only shake my head and have an “Ally McBeal” moment where I jump over my desk and shove the muffin up her ass.  I would probably have been equally pissed if some skinny supermodel type made the comment, but it definitely had that extra edge coming from her. If I wanted to know what you thought about my breakfast or needed help figuring out how many points it is, I would ask you!! 

You will be happy to know that every time she asks me for diet and/or exercise advice now, I refer her to her medical professional.  I also quit Weight Watchers. 

Cheers!

Queen for a Day

Today is Ms. TMI’s birthday!!!!  She arrived at 10 today and came directly to my office.  I had to be filled in on her weekend of birthday events immediately.  So, here we go:

·         Mr. STBBD is not a planner and didn’t have reservations anywhere.  They ended up driving around for an hour and then just going to the casino.

·         At the casino, they ate at the upstairs buffet (not to be confused with the downstairs buffet).  It was $25 and the food was just “good, but nothing special.”  They were seated next to the dessert table, but by the time dessert came around, they were too full.

·         There is a new table game called Big-6 that is AMAZING (I know know all of the rules and odds)

·         Mr. STBBD is finally able to hold a conversation (re: TMI Friday post...we've come a long way in 2 days!)

·         For Sunday night dinner she had turkey lasagna and strawberry cupcakes

Of course there are many (many) more details, but you get the gist.  Overall she had a good weekend. 

In addition to the big bday, today is also her ovulation day!  According to her, the test strip had a faint blue line, meaning ovulation.  So, its go time.  Only every other day though.  fml.  I can’t believe I have to listen to this.  It was bad before, but now I’m going to get details that NO ONE needs to hear.  Some things should be kept private.  ESPECIALLY at work. 

Today she did ask me about my weekend, so I told her I checked out a few tattoo shops and designs.  She quickly launched into a lecture about how I’m procrastinating by doing so and there are better things to do on the weekend. yadda yadda yadda.  Not ten minutes later she was sending me pics of the tattoo that SHE wants to get and links to the artist she wants to do it.  Well, it is her bday afterall, so hail to the queen.

Cheers!