And to Each a Good Night

Long time no blog!!  A lot has happened, mostly with Ms. Woe Is Me.  She is a hot mess.  I really think someone needs to study her because she needs her own DMS-V diagnosis.  It’s hard to keep track of everything, so I have been keeping a running list (maybe I need my own psych diagnosis too!).  In an effort to summarize crazy, here it is:

·         She was attacked by a pit bull mix as she was leaving her apartment to go jogging one Saturday morning.  The dog tackled her as she came around the corner and bit through her heavy duty coat.  It came inches from her carotid and nearly killed her.  The police and animal control were called.  She decided to not press charges because the dog belonged to a man that is currently serving in Iraq and his parents are watching it while he is away. 

                                                                                                                  

·         She went on a cruise over Thanksgiving and was really sea sick (and also sick-sick).  The boat engines broke down in the middle of the sea and the swells were over 4 meters with winds at 40knots.  She had to just stay in her cabin because it was too hard to stand or move (did mention she was a marine biologist for 10+years?!).  Because of the breakdown they also missed one of the stops and she wasn’t able to go on her pre-paid excursions.  After she got back and removed her motion-sickness patch, she had vertigo for the next 4 days.

·         The night she came back, she was at the same party her ex-boyfriend(?), the bed wetter.  He was rude and didn’t even say hi.  Instead, he texted her from across the room to tell her that he was also there and that they shouldn’t make things “awkward.”

·         One night she was going to go on a date with someone she met on match.com “a while ago.”  She cancelled dinner plans to celebrate her birthday with some of her girlfriends so that she could go meet him.  Surprise, Surprise, he was a no show, no call, no text.  Completely stood-up.  While the rest of the world would just leave it there and take a hint, she decided to call him up the next day and berate him about his behavior.   

·         Her Dad forgot her birthday completely.  Days after the big day, she called him to make sure he was ok.  He never mentioned her birthday, or the expensive Christmas gift she sent.

·         She is “talking” to other ex-boyfriend on the regular.   She still “loves him” and is trying her best to get back with him.  From her recounting of their conversations, he is sending her pretty strong “not in this lifetime” and “I pity you” signals. 

·         She is still looking for a new car.  I’m certain she has been to every car dealer in a 100 mile radius.  There are always problems with 1) the car, 2) the dealer, or 3) both.  I’m beginning to think that she is blacklisted for her nonsensical behavior because “even if I call in advance, no one will help me.”  I pity the salesmen that are dealing with her.  She has even begun to have salesman take iPhone pictures of her posture in the car (because she has to have perfect alignment) and even taking a test drive from one dealership to another (with the salesman in tow).  She is still planning to write an exposé on how awful it is to buy a car in the area. 

·         She is getting sick right before her 2 week trip over the holidays.  She has spent the past several days out in the cold and rain car shopping.  It will probably be pneumonia and she will be miserable the entire time.  I see a trip the ER in her near future. 

Wow…just wow.  Each of those little bullet points is a much longer story, but that’s all I have for now!  I will keep my list going and next time I will update you on Ms. TMI.

Cheers and Happy Holidays!

It’s Over!…Or Is It?

This blogging business is harder than it looks!  Again, damn you work for getting in the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all on Ms. TMI, so let’s begin:

A new theme with Ms. TMI is that she and Mr. STBBD are over, for good!  She has always had nasty things to say about him, but about  3 weeks ago she told me about how she just wasn’t sure he was really into having a baby because they never really talk about it (re: he is a Neanderthal).  You all know that she is super serious about her baby making schedule and for this to all work, he needs to be on board.  Apparently, he is not down with scheduled baby dance days.  As she was telling me all of this she has the stark realization that “if he can’t handle this now, how will he handle this when we actually have a baby.”  I thought maybe that would change her mind about getting knocked up by a man she doesn’t even really seem to like, but nope, this statement was closely followed by “I guess I just have to get used to the idea of being a single mom.” 

Fast forward.  Ms. TMI rolled in later than usual and clearly had a rough night.  It turns out it was not just a sleepless night, but a "raging fight on the home front" night.  It was baby dance day and Ms. TMI was relentless (not wanting to let an opportunity pass her by).  Mr. STBBD tried to escape his duty by going to bed early but Ms. TMI was onto him and she was not going to let him go that easy.  When she confronted him on this behavior he snapped and said “I’m so sick of this shit!  All I ever hear is baby, baby, baby!  Just let it the fuck go!”  As you can imagine, this set off the powder keg.  I know that it involved screaming at the top of lungs, throwing things, etc.  At one point Ms. TMI had her car keys in hand to go to the gas station to get booze and cigs, but Mr. STBBD refused to let her leave.  This all culminated after quite a few rounds with Mr. STBBD putting all his stuff in a suitcase, grabbing the dog, and leaving by saying “give me ‘til Friday to find another place to live and then you’ll never see me again.”  Of course, she responded with a “You better find something sooner because your shit will be on the doorstep tomorrow.”  Nice.

There were all kinds of details and Ms. TMI was sparing none of them.  Unfortunately (or not), I had to her rush to the end so I could make a meeting.  I guess there was some back and forth over the next few hours via angry texts and phone calls.  She drank wine; he drove around with the dog.  At some point he came home and they went to bed (in the same bed, btw).  They didn’t speak to each other the next morning and when she was telling me this story had not yet spoken to him.  When I asked her what she was going to do or what the plan was, she didn’t have an answer.  Drama, drama.

I think this was close to Thanksgiving and I didn’t really see her over the next few days to find out what happened.  I figured they kissed and made up when pictures of the two of them were all over her Facebook page celebrating with friends and family.  He also got her lots and lots of Harley merchandise using his “points” that she proudly modeled in her profile pic.  In any case, she never said another word about it, but has since told me she is onto the next cycle of fertility treatment, so I guess it’s all systems go!  (for now).  She is also taking bets on when he will propose.  Anyone have guesses?

That is all I have for now.  I know content has been low, so here is some exciting news:  I will now be accepting guest submissions!  If you have crazy co-workers or learned way more about a stranger than you ever wanted to know, send it to answerstounaskedquestions@gmail.com

Cheers!

Cruisin’ the Crimson Tide

Ms. Wim came in my office today to tell me all about her pending travel plans.  She has decided that she will start marking things off her bucket list and is eager to get started.  First on the list is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  Then Saturday she leaves on a Caribbean cruise.  December will be a trip to North Carolina and then Vegas after the New Year.  All very exciting things. But you know that nothing Ms. Wim does can go off without a hitch and this week is no exception.  For those of you sensitive to “woman” issues, consider yourself warned!

Ms. Wim was telling me all about her travel arrangements and her packing strategy.  Then she casually mentioned that she unexpectedly got her period “of course, right before my trip.”  She also told me that this will last the entire length of her cruise.  Totally unfortunate, but not unmanageable, right?  Wrong!  I said “Oh, that sucks.  Thank goodness for tampons.”  To which she responded, “I’ve never used tampons.”  Wait….what!?  Yes folks, she is 40 and has never used tampons.  I guess this could be more common that I think, but I am still just amazed.  She then went on in detail about her menstrual problems.  At one point she told he about how she slept over at a guy’s house and in the morning the bed  “looked like I had a miscarriage.”  Friends….how do you respond to that?!  I die. 

Safe to read again………Interesting note:  she has to bring Immodium instead of Pepto for digestional upset because Pepto turns her tongue black.  Apparently she learned this after going crazy on cheese fondue in Switzerland (before she realized she was lactose intolerant) and they gave her Pepto.   She ended up missing out on a few days of the group tour because her black tongue was concerning and no one knew what was the cause.  I guess it is now a known side effect of Pepto.  http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/06/science/q-a-084760.html  File this one under Jeopardy knowledge.

She will be gone for the next 10 days or so, but I’m sure there will be plenty of updates when she returns. 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I'm Baaaaacckkkkkk

Hello my faithful blog readers!!!  It has been too long.  Between work, work, and work, I’ve been unable to get you the latest news. Do not worry; plenty of drama to go around.  I promise I will be better from here on out.

So, to get us back into the groove, I present for your reading enjoyment and update on Ms. Wim and Ms. TMI.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Our local TV station has a segment called “on your side” that does investigative consumer reporting and helps locals settle long standing disputes with businesses.  Well, last week Ms. Wim was practically jumping up and down when she learned that they were interested in helping her with her complaint.  About what you ask?  Well, 2 years ago her apartment complex switched to Fios and Verizon needed to go into all of the apartments to do the wiring. While Verizon was in her apartment they broke and/or damaged several of her items, all of which are irreplaceable!!!  They owe her money for her damaged goods!!

Before I continue this tale of woe, I would like to tell you about her apartment, as I have recently had the joy of seeing it firsthand.  How do I put this delicately?…….She is a hoarder.   Every square inch of her place has clothes, tchotchkes, plants, books, movies, etc. etc.   She would be an excellent candidate for a home makeover show.  Ms. Wim also has an extensive collection of vintage clothes, hats, and cameras, all of which are strewn all over the place.  I’m pretty sure it is a 2bedroom, but one of them is completely full of stuff. Here is an idea of what we are dealing with (not her actually place).

I have lived in apartments for over 10 years, and I know that when you have service people scheduled to come to your place, they usually tell you when they are coming, what they are going to do, and anything you need to do in advance (lock up pets, clear an area).  I don’t know what they did or did not tell Ms. Wim, but I do recall her coming to work after her lunch break a few years ago crying about how these service people just “ripped” her place apart and that everything was "destroyed."  Since this incident 2 years ago, she has continued to contact Verizon demanding reimbursement for her damaged property.  Initially they weren’t taking any responsibility and said that the installers were a contract company and therefore they were not responsible.  She did not accept this and Verizon eventually wrote her a check for ½ what she was asking for, I’m guessing a goodwill gesture to make her go away (I would LOVE to know how much that is!).

In any case, this was NOT enough to make up for her lost personal effects.  Ms. Wim is sure there is a conspiracy abound because every time someone from Verizon would finally agree to help her settle her claim once and for all she would soon after get notification that that person “no longer works for the company.”  She finally reached her boiling point and contacted the local news station to help her out. 

The "on your side" producers said they were interested in her story and expressed so in an email to her.  Ms. Wim then took this email and emailed it to Verizon HQ to let them know if the matter wasn’t resolved by the month’s end, she would go ahead with the story and her lawyers would be in contact with them.  She was very excited at the prospects; however, she also noted that she hopes they actually settle, because she doesn’t have a lawyer and probably couldn't afford one.  Any bets on how this will turn out?

I report, you decide.

The Secret

Ms. TMI has been playing it cool lately.  Every now and then I get to hear her belittle STBBD on the phone or lay down the law for one of her friends.  Nothing too entertaining..... until this awesome exchange.

Ms. TMI:  So, you know I’ve been feeling like a broken woman lately because I can’t get pregnant.  I’m just so frustrated and I don’t think it is ever going to happen.

Me:  nodding

Ms. TMI:  Well, my friend was telling me about this book she read and I started to read it too.  It all about getting back from the universe what you put out.  So, like, if you put out positive energy, you get positive energy back.  The book also talks about visualizing what you want. I really want STBBD to read it too….he doesn’t read though, so I looked on Amazon and they have movie! I’m going to make him watch the movie because I think it will be good for him too…

Me:  interrupting  Wait….are you talking about “The Secret”?

Ms. TMI:  YES!!!! OMG, have you read it?  How have you heard about it? 

Me:  How have you NOT heard about it!?  It came out in like 2006 and was ALL over the news.  I’m pretty sure Oprah was obsessed with it too. 

Ms. TMI:  You know I live in a bubble!  So you’ve read it?

Me:  Hell no! 

Ms. TMI:  Why not?!  It’s amazing. My friend says it changed her life.  I am really liking it too.  I bet you would really benefit from it.

Me:  uhhhhhhh, no thanks.  Let me know how it works for you though!

Ms TMI:  Whatever.  I like it.

and scene

So, now we can put “The Secret” to the test and see if she can manifest herself a baby.  Side note:  If you are still looking for some time to kill after reading this blog post, you will find great entertainment in reading reviewer comments for “The Secret” on Amazon.

Until next time friends!

Cheers

 

Straight To Voicemail

Yesterday started off with a bang.  Ms. Wim was in my office at 9am sharp with all the details of her weekend.  She went to Philly for a dance event that people from "all over the world" go to.  This is pretty common for Ms. Wim, as she spends her "free" time on the blues/jazz/swing dance scene.  As I'm sure you are anticipating, the weekend was a bust.

• She got to Philly late on Friday night.  She was running late because she was sooooo behind at work and also needed to finish homework before she left.  Since she doesn't have a car, this also means that her friend giving her a ride was not pleased to be leaving late on her account and they had a chilly ride.
• At the event, she ended up running into an ex-boyfriend.  This ex-boyfriend unceremoniously dropped her like a bad habit without notice years ago and she hadn't seen or heard from him since.  Seeing him triggered all sorts of emotions of relationships past and she had a breakdown in the middle of the dance floor.  I'm pretty sure that this devastating breakup was a mere 2 months after they started dating.
• On the ride back from Philly Sunday night she was texting her bed-wetter 25yro boyfriend (of 2 weeks) and he was slow to respond.  She ended up sending him the passive-aggressive "Hello?" text, to which he finally responded with "Sorry, I have been cleaning up my place because xxx is coming over."  waaaa???  xxx is the hot young thing that he was attempting to date before he found himself with a cougar.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this didn't sit well with Ms. Wim, and on the heals of a bad weekend, she would not let this slide.  So, after she got to her place, she texted him to see if he was available to chat, suspecting that xxx was already there.  He agreed to the call and then proceeded to utter the oh so fateful "I don't think this is gonna work out."  The nerve!!! and at 11:30pm!!!  He is so inconsiderate and she couldn't sleep all night! I thought she was taking it well when she remarked that "at least now I can take the plastic sheet of my bed.  That thing was making me so hot!"  lolz

So, that was the recap.....at least until lunch time.  I again made the mistake of answering my phone without seeing who was calling.  I was just pulling up to my place for lunch break and never even considered that it might be Ms. Wim. 

Ms. Wim:  (sobbing) OMG, I can not believe what just happened.

Me:  What happened?

Ms. Wim:  I was on my way to lunch and I saw boss lady in the hallway.  She asked me how my weekend was, so I began to tell her all about it.....the ex-boyfriend, bed-wetter breaking up with me, how upset I am.....everything.  (sob sob sob).  While I was waiting for the elevator to come, I looked down at my phone to see what time it was and then I saw that it was his voicemail.  My entire conversation was recorded on his voicemail.

Me:  whose voicemail?

Ms. Wim:  Bed-wetter's voicemail.  My entire conversation with boss lady talking about him is now recorded on his voicemail.  He is going to hear everything!!  I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. (sob sob sob)

Wow.  I was not expecting that.  Talk about a nail in the coffin for that short-lived relationship.  I think the only upside to her Monday was that Nissan recalled the Altima she purchased and then successfully returned.  I can only imagine what her reaction would have been if she had kept the car.

Cheers!

Will It Fall Out?

Happy Monday everyone!
Ms. TMI isn't in yet (no surprise here), so let me take this time to share a few tales from last week.

Last Thursday, Ms. TMI was in the throws of fertility talk.  She had just come back from getting some lab work done at her doctors office. They wanted to check her progesterone levels and adjust her fertility drugs accordingly.  As she was telling me all of this, she suddenly doubles over and screeches "Ouch!".  She then proceeds to tell me she is having pain on her lower left side, and then asks me "What side is the uterus on?"  Ah hem...what?!  Yes, friends, you heard that right.  She asked me which side the uterus is on!  Even though she demonstrated to me the miracle of fertilization previously in that oh so amazing video from baby center, she is still clueless when it comes to the female anatomy.  I tried to keep my "are you kidding me" face hidden and quickly pulled up Google images to explain.  We spent a little time talking about all of the different lady parts, where fertilization actually happens, and how you won't actually "feel" implantation (Ms. TMI was convinced her side twinge was the pain was implantation).   Her response was priceless:  "but my doctor says I have a tilted uterus, so doesn't that mean its over to one side?" 

Fast forward to Thursday after work.

Ms. TMI decided she needed to start coming to the gym with me again.  Her doctor informed her that its harder for obese women to get pregnant because the fat wraps itself around vital organs, including the ovaries, which may inhibit ovulation.  About 10 minutes into the elliptical she says to me "Are you sure I should be doing this?  Like.....nothings going to fall out? right?"  I couldn't help but giggle and responded with "what exactly do you think is going to fall out?"  She said "my egg.  its not gonna fall out, is it?  This thing [elliptical] makes me bounce."  By this time my mouth is agape with shock.  I thought she was just messing with me, but the look on her face said otherwise. I think that all of these internet videos and visual aids have led her to think that they are actual size, as in the egg she releases is the size of a marble as it appears on the screen... High school biology fail.

I'm not really sure what to do with her.  Perhaps I should make my own work-inappropriate suggestion that she spend some time with a hand mirror and get to know her lady parts.

Cheers!

The Next Day…

I’m sure you are all curious about the outcome of the “car returning incident,” so let’s dig in.

Thursday morning I was admittedly very curious about what happened when Ms. Wim arrived at the dealership to return her new purchase.  Being that I now feel involved in the story, I stopped by her office to see what happened.  It goes a little something like this:

Me:  So, how did everything turn out last night?

Ms. Wim:  Well, it took me 2 hours to get there with the traffic and I cried the whole way there.  I called MD/JD to see if he would meet me there.  He said I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and my only hope was to cry.  I got to the dealer like 20minutes before they closed and the guy that sold me the car greeted me when I walked in.  He is such a nice guy, so I felt bad when I asked to see his manager.  When the manager showed up I asked to speak with him in private and he took me back to his office.

Me:  ok….

Ms. Wim:  I also brought in all of the stuff that I got from the Healthy Back store to show him that I tried to make it work.  I mean, I had over $200 worth of back supports, pillows, adjustments, and stuff to try to make it so the seat wouldn’t kill my back and neck.

Me:  What?

Ms. Wim:  Yesterday I just drove around all day trying to get the seat in the right position with the support cushions from Healthy Back.  I tried everything.  I even went to CarMax and tried other cars.  When I went to CarMax I was so stressed out and on the verge of tears that I almost snapped on the guy that asked me if that was my Altima and how I liked it. 

Me:  Why did you go to CarMax?

Ms. Wim:  I wanted to see what other options there were before I tried to return the car.  So anyway, I tell the manager that I tried everything and I know that I signed the paperwork, but I just couldn’t make it work.  The manager just said that clearly that wasn’t my car and took it back.  He even just handed me the keys and title to my old car back.  They were so nice about the whole thing. 

Me:  So now what are you going to do?

Ms. Wim:  I’m going to put the whole car buying thing on hold for a week.  I have so many things to do and I just can’t even think about it right now. Although (giggle), I did find a car like mine that I am interested in. (then she shows me a picture of her EXACT car, only 5 model years newer, and $14,000 cheaper than the car she just returned). 

Ms. Wim:  I am also going to write an article to the newspaper about how horrible buying a car in this area is.  They are all liars and cheats.  It’s just unbelievable.  I love to write.  This is just important for everyone to know.  They are all just horrible people.

So….that was that.  I’m sure there will be another 2 weeks of car talk to come. 

Cheers!

W(oe)TF?!

Well that was interesting.....

I was just at the gym getting my fitness on and my cell phone rings with a number I don't recognize.  I thought it was the doctors office with the results of a test I did earlier in the day, so I answered it.  Nope, not the doctor!  It was Ms. Wim...

Ms. Wim needed "2 big favors."  She totally caught me off guard and even more so that she was practically in tears on the phone.

Favor 1:  She needed to borrow my iPhone car charger because she can't find hers and her battery is dying.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), I left in in my car, which is currently in the shop. I told her that I might have an extra one in the house if she would like that one.  She declined saying it had to be a car charger, which leads to....

Favor 2:  Go to a town nearly an hour away with her, tonight.  ummmmmm....what??

I inquired as to why she was going there, to which she informed me that her neck was killing her and she has to return it.......return what you ask?  The car she purchased YESTERDAY!

Let's back up a second.  As you recall, she hemmed and hawed over which car to get for weeks.  She finally settled on the Nissan Altima and was announcing her decision up and down the halls yesterday morning like the town crier.  She left early to go complete her purchase.  I was not surprised when she didn't come back to work, assuming it took longer than expected to get all of the paperwork settled.  

I was expecting a full report in my office this morning, but she never showed.  I saw her sweep past my office later in the day and could hear her in a office just down the hall (that is occupied by our staff MD/JD).  I didn't really hear the conversation, but just general sounds of whining and panic.  Much like the boy who cried wolf, this isn't unusual, so I just ignored it.  However, after her call, it all comes together.  

When I declined her oh so tempting invitation to spend my evening returning her new car, she informed me that she was going to call the MD/JD to see if he would meet her there....at the dealership.  This is for real people.  It really happened.  I will also like to add the side note that the MD/JD has a wife and kids at home.  

I could go on and on about how messed up this is, but I will go ahead and leave you to your own conclusions.  I will also let this be a reminder to you to not answers phone calls from unrecognized phone numbers.

Cheers!

Woe-Is-Me'ing

Happy Friday to All!

Well, Ms. TMI is on telework today, so not too much new there.  Yesterday she continued to tell me about what she self-diagnosed as “Mittelschmerz,” otherwise known as ovulation pain.  Today over IM she let me know she was in hot pursuit of her OB/GYN to talk specifics.  Thankfully I can ignore her chats.  She did let me know she would be checking out early today…surprise, surprise.

Today seems like a good day to introduce you to the neurotic Ms. Woe Is Me.  Ms. Wim is a walking nut job for lack of a better term; albeit a well intended nut job.  She also has a flair for the dramatic and will quickly turn an otherwise non-event into an odyssey.  Currently she has 5 major ongoing issues (clinical diagnoses notwithstanding).   

1.       She has just started dating a new guy that is emotionally immature, bi-polar, and has urinary incontinence.  He is 25, she is 40.  She really likes him but isn’t sure she can handle his mood swings and the possibility that he will pee the bed every night, indefinitely.  This conversation is set on repeat and is usually followed closely with tales of her ex-boyfriend (whom she is still is in love with and hangs out with on occasion---also 25yrs old) and her ex-fiancé.  In case you were wondering, she hates them both. 

2.      Her car recently broke down and will cost more to repair than the car is worth.  I think she drives a 2000 Buick Regal, but I don't really know (I can never get past the Bush-Chaney sticker on the bumper).  She needs a comfortable car because she has a bad back and there aren’t many cars that have good seats AND a high safety rating.  After 2 weeks of test drives, snakey salesmen, and outright lies from the dealers, she has decided on the Nissan Altima.  Now the conversation has turned so that I get to hear about how it’s over her budget and she can’t afford it.  But she has to have a car…but if she gets the car she won’t be able to buy a house…..but, but, but

3.       She has had a migraine since Tuesday.  It nearly landed her in the ER Tuesday evening.  The only reason she didn’t go was because she didn’t have anyone to take her there!  She came into work on Wednesday with the tales of woe.   Several people, myself included, suggested she go get some Imatrix or other prescription migraine medicine.  She quickly retorted that she can’t take that because she had a seizure 10 years ago (this is where she digressed to tell us all about her seizure).  When you suggest she go home and take a nap…..nope…can’t do that either, too much work to do!  Ok…soooo, go to the damn doctor!  Thursday morning she shows up and tells me her doctor gave her vicodine for her headache and it makes her “feel funny.”  She was clearly high as a kite in my office.  Thankfully, her headache was gone…but the meds made her feel too weird.  I finally said “I really don’t know what to tell you.  Maybe you should try some pot.” (then she left my office)

4.       Her neighbors are “ghetto trash” and don’t allow her to sleep.  They are up all night and constantly pounding on her wall.  3am every morning!!  Despite pounding the wall back at them to get them to shut up, they never stop.  She has even knocked on their front door at 3am to get them to quiet down.  Alas, they refuse to keep it down.  I suggested she file a complaint with the management company; she won’t do it because they won’t do anything any way.  I have heard about the “noisy neighbors” for almost 2 months now.  Every time she tells me about them it is the same story:  they are always keeping her awake and she only ever gets 3 hours of sleep.  She just doesn't know what to do!  

5.       She is always tired and has way too many things to do. So many things in fact that she still is able to complete them even after telling me and I’m sure a half a dozen other people in the office about her issues for extended periods of time.  I also gather from our conversations that she spends about 5hrs a night on the phone telling other people her tales of woe too.  Soooooooo busy.  Woe is me!

As I’m sure you can imagine the telling of all of these tales is accompanied with lots of facial gestures, deeps sighs, and puppy dog eyes.  She actually has some of the male staff mesmerized with her damsel in distress ways and several go to “check-in” on her quite frequently.   In fact, I’m 99% that is how she was able to keep her job when it was on the line a year ago.  After all, how would she survive without this job?

Cheers!

"You Have To See This"

Sorry it has been a while since my last blog.  It was 3-day weekend and then I was out of the office on Tuesday.  Not to worry though; yesterday made up for my office absence.

Ms. TMI was full of wonderful little bits of information yesterday.  After her normal 10am arrival, I got to hear all about Mr. STBDD’s job; mostly about how he needs to find a new one but since he never graduated from high school it will be hard to find a new career.  I even got to witness Ms. TMI survey several people who stopped by her office what they think her undereducated man should do for a living.  I’m sure he would be happy to know we are all weighing in on his future career path.  

In the afternoon Ms. TMI was back on the baby train.  She even showed me her ovulation calendar, told me about the ovulation tests, pills, new acronyms (BDD=Baby Dance Day), when a positive pregnancy test would likely occur, etc.  Things I never wanted to know for sure.  The best part of this little shit show was when she decided to tell me all about fertilization, which included a visual aid.  Even thought she knows I am a science nerd and have taken too many classes to count on biology, chemistry, zoology, etc and can tell you all about this from a medical and technical perspective, she felt the need to show me a video about how it all happens (I guess because I’m not into having a baby I don’t really understand the process?!).  Apparently my education is no match for the information on baby center and the sci-fi version (think 300) animated video showing the process.  To me it looks more like the Greek army is invading than a miracle, but who am I to say.  Here for you viewing pleasure, the miracle of life:

http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-fertilization_10354435.bc

Also, for your viewing pleasure, is my internal reaction to all of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_S5cXbXe-4

Cheers!

Fun Facts Friday

Ms. TMI in at 9:30 today!!! Must be some kind of a record.  She has been keeping her head down and working today; no doubt to make up from earlier in the week.  She did take some time to share these little gems with me about her about her 2 brothers (I think they are actually like step-brothers twice removed or something).  Anyway, here is what I learned:

·         Brother 1 is developmentally delayed, but still managed to get a drivers license.  He also recently was in a little accident and fled the scene.  He was making a left hand turn at an intersection where there was a “no left hand turn” sign posted.  Her opinion is that his inability to follow the traffic signs is the exact reason he shouldn’t be driving.  (Note:  just 2 weeks ago she told me all about ticket for “failure to stop.”  hmmmmm).

·         Brother 2 is also a driver and has his car all done up with fancy lights and paint and what have you.   She referred to it as such:  “I don’t want to be racist or anything, but it’s like a spick mobile.” (note:  if you preface any sentence with “I don’t want to be racist” you are probably going to say some inappropriate shit).

·         Brother 2 is dating a crazy person.  She has multiple personality disorder and has undergone electroshock therapy.  But don’t worry, she is a very likable personable.

·         Brother 2 and MPD girlfriend recently house sat while she was away.  Over the weekend they decided to do a photo shoot in her bedroom and then post the pictures on Facebook.  I guess over sharing runs in the “family.”

This all serves as a nice little reminder to not tell Ms. TMI ANYTHING that you don’t want the whole world to know.

Cheers!

8 Hour Work Day

10am:  Ms. TMI arrived

10:01am:  Ms. TMI came into my office to tell me about the bday card the Mr. STBBD gave her and showed me the picture of it on her phone.  She commented, “I was going to put this on Facebook, but I feel so naked on there already.  I don’t need the whole world to know my business, that’s what I have you for!”  Yup.  That sums it up pretty well.

10:10am:   Ms. TMI had her first personal phone call for the day.

11:30am:  Ms. TMI decided it was time to discuss pre-natal vitamins with me (and by that I mean telling me all about it by shouting across the hall).  You see, her OB/GYN said it’s doesn’t matter which pill she takes, but her other doctor said it needs to have certain ingredients.  The Women’s One a Day has all of the required ingredients, but not in the right quantity.  Unfortunately, Amazon has been no help in locating the perfect pre-natal, so now she will have to go to a bunch of different website to compare.  What is a girl to do!?

11:41am:  Left for an early lunch with a friend.  I’m sure she won’t be back until 2. 

Ah…a day in the life. 

Cheers!

They Do Exist

Not a lot to report on Ms. TMI today.  She came in at 2pm.  In the brief 5minutes that we saw each other, I learned that she was throwing up last night, has a nasty headache, and Mr. STBBD got in a car accident.  I guess that is a lot of info for 5 min.  I should probably also mention that she didn't tell me this, but was telling another office mate that was in her office.

I would like to share with you that not all of my co-workers are crazy and/or inappropriate.  Observe:

Yesterday when I was returning from lunch with my arms full of bags and poster board, I ran into 2 coworkers that were curious about my arm load of stuff.  During our conversation, one of the women touched my shoulder and I straightened up.  She has made it her personal mission to correct my posture.   I will be the first one to admit that I need help in this area and she and I have had conversations about this in the past, so no intrusion here at all.  The other woman chimed in with "You are such an amazing and beautiful girl.  Stand up straight and show it off."  If you know me, you will also know I'm not very good with compliments, but I assured her that I would do my best to to keep my shoulders back and my head up.  Not 5 minutes later, I got an email from the second woman:

Subject Line:  Sending an Apology

I'm sending an apology for publicly commenting on your posture today which is none of my business.  I don't know what caused this outburst though I think I'm turning into my dearly beloved Auntie H.  Your just so attractive and...

Anyway, I will keep my thoughts to myself in the future.

Regards

A totally unnecessary apology in my opinion, but I do appreciate the sentiment. That, my friends, is the unicorn of my office; someone with manners and professionalism.
Cheers!

Muffin Top

Today I will take a little time to fill you in on the muffin incident.  I’m sure Ms. TMI won’t show up until nearly noon today since its pouring rain here and yesterday was the b-day.   So, for your entertainment, I present you with the “muffin incident,” which is also part of the impetus for starting this blog:

I am not the most fit person in the world, but I do try to take care of myself.  I eat a healthy, balanced, low-calorie diet and I work out 6 times a week.  My weight has yo-yoed over the years, but I’m happy where I am at now and work really hard to stay here.  Part of this effort includes planning my meals in advance, calculating calories, and putting in some work at the gym.

Ms. TMI, on the other hand, has a weight problem.  This is a delicate issue, but let me stress to you that by weight problem, I’m not talking about losing the last 10lbs.  For example, her doctors said that she needed to lose at least 50lbs before she even attempted to get pregnant.  She claims she was fit in high school and even played basketball, but her lack of coordination suggests she was more likely a bench warmer (takes one to know one).  She is always seemingly frustrated with her weight and on to the next fad diet or quick fix (side note:  a giant F U to Dr. Oz for promoting these miracle pills to speed up metabolism).  Last year when I dropped some serious pounds with strict diet and exercise, she asked me to help her in the gym to help jump start her weight loss.  I agreed.

She started strong with attendance but was lazy when we were there.  20min on the elliptical was a chore and walking on the treadmill was too hard on her knees (allegedly).  We did some weight stuff, but the minute she started to break a sweat, she was “done.”  Of course, this led to frustration (on both our parts) and zero weight loss.  I kept urging her to keep a food diary and watch what she ate.  We all know that the time you put into the gym won’t matter if you are stopping at Mickey D’s on your way home.  As a FFK (former fat kid), I can sympathize with weight struggles, but you get out what you put in.  I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that our little expeditions to the gym quickly came to an end.    

So, she went back to the quick fixes.  First, it was the South Beach diet.  She stayed with this for about 2 months.  She was happy with the weight loss, stopped following the diet, and quickly piled the weight back on, and then some.  Next, Weight Watchers.  Now, if you have ever been friends with someone on Weight Watchers, you know they sometimes turn from a food choice ignoramus into food nutrition expert in no time.  This was the case with Ms. TMI.

Lots of the other ladies in the office also started WW at the same time.  I, admittedly feeling left out, also joined.  Ms. TMI then decided that she was going to be MY food counselor.  Now, for those of you who are familiar with the program, she had 49pts/day; I had 26pts/day.  This is where I become super irritated.  She would tell me all about what she had eaten and describe exactly how she made it (of course).  When she asked me what I ate, I would tell her and her response was always, “you aren’t eating enough food.”  Ah-hem.  Now here comes the good stuff…..

Every morning for breakfast I have a Fiber One muffin I make myself (170cal), Light & Fit yogurt (80cal), and a piece of fruit.  According to Ms. TMI, this is not a healthy choice….  On not 1, not 2, but 3 separate occasions, she saw what I was having, and said “A muffin!?  How many points is that?!  I don’t think that’s on Weight Watchers!” 

EXCUSE ME?!  No no no no no no no no.  This is when I can only shake my head and have an “Ally McBeal” moment where I jump over my desk and shove the muffin up her ass.  I would probably have been equally pissed if some skinny supermodel type made the comment, but it definitely had that extra edge coming from her. If I wanted to know what you thought about my breakfast or needed help figuring out how many points it is, I would ask you!! 

You will be happy to know that every time she asks me for diet and/or exercise advice now, I refer her to her medical professional.  I also quit Weight Watchers. 

Cheers!

Queen for a Day

Today is Ms. TMI’s birthday!!!!  She arrived at 10 today and came directly to my office.  I had to be filled in on her weekend of birthday events immediately.  So, here we go:

·         Mr. STBBD is not a planner and didn’t have reservations anywhere.  They ended up driving around for an hour and then just going to the casino.

·         At the casino, they ate at the upstairs buffet (not to be confused with the downstairs buffet).  It was $25 and the food was just “good, but nothing special.”  They were seated next to the dessert table, but by the time dessert came around, they were too full.

·         There is a new table game called Big-6 that is AMAZING (I know know all of the rules and odds)

·         Mr. STBBD is finally able to hold a conversation (re: TMI Friday post...we've come a long way in 2 days!)

·         For Sunday night dinner she had turkey lasagna and strawberry cupcakes

Of course there are many (many) more details, but you get the gist.  Overall she had a good weekend. 

In addition to the big bday, today is also her ovulation day!  According to her, the test strip had a faint blue line, meaning ovulation.  So, its go time.  Only every other day though.  fml.  I can’t believe I have to listen to this.  It was bad before, but now I’m going to get details that NO ONE needs to hear.  Some things should be kept private.  ESPECIALLY at work. 

Today she did ask me about my weekend, so I told her I checked out a few tattoo shops and designs.  She quickly launched into a lecture about how I’m procrastinating by doing so and there are better things to do on the weekend. yadda yadda yadda.  Not ten minutes later she was sending me pics of the tattoo that SHE wants to get and links to the artist she wants to do it.  Well, it is her bday afterall, so hail to the queen.

Cheers!

TMI Friday

Ms. TMI arrived today at 10:30 per the usual.  She came in without much incident.  As I was on my way to lunch, she asked me to come into her office "real quick."  We all know what this is about, so let’s just dive in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ms. TMI:  Mr. Boss asked me if I was ok because my eyes are puffy.  I told him I have been having a strange allergy attack and sneezing all week and that you had been making fun of me.  Just an FYI that you’re my cover.

Me: um, ok

Ms. TMI:  So, I talked to Mr. Perfect Man I Never Dated (Mr. PMIND) yesterday for an hour and a half.  He feels the same way as I do about things.  It was nice to know I’m not the only one.  I mean, it was just so good to talk to him.  He is my best friend and I don’t have that with my current boyfriend.  Like…. Mr. Soon to be Baby Daddy (Mr. STBBD) and I get along, but we aren’t, um….like friends.  I told him that on one side I’m in love with him and that I know he doesn’t want to be with me…….. and that on the other side I have a man that is in love with me and I’m not really even good friends with…..I want both.  

Me:  I’m confused.  How did this whole conversation with Mr. PMIND even start? (I should have just nodded instead of asking this question)

Ms TMI:  Well, I called Mr. PMIND yesterday.  When he answered the phone he was like ‘what’s wrong, you only call me when you need to talk.’ We just exchanged pleasantries, and then he asked me how I was with Mr. STBBD and that whole thing.  I just lost it and told him that I was so stressed out and that Mr. STBBD never talks….I mean, he might as well grunt and carry around a club.  I love him, but we don’t,  like,  talk or anything.  I just don’t know if I can deal with it. sigh So anyway, we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice.  We are going to the movies next week.  You know?….after all of that talking he never even mentioned living with his girlfriend.  I wonder what's up with that?!

****she went on to detail every letter of the conversation, so let’s fast forward to the end****

Ms. TMI:  So last night I was on the phone with Mr. STBBD because he is out of town for work and I told him that we need to talk….he responded with ‘what did I do now!?  Every 2 weeks something new is wrong, so what is it this time?’  I can’t believe he said that and I was just pissed from the beginning.  So I told him that it’s the same problem we have every 2 weeks; that he doesn’t talk and our entire relationship is so surface.  I mean...... I straight up asked him what he thought about having a baby and what we would tell our future children about how they came into the world.  So, this led to a huge fight and I finally lost it on him and called him a ‘white trash redneck.’  He hung up…….

****She then continued to detail how she would like to tell her teenage children how they came into the world once they asked her (remember, she’s not even prego).   She also told me about the paint colors for their future bedrooms.****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you all as bored as I am????  FML.  This girl could seriously go on for hours and hours uninterrupted with back-story after back-story.  An hour into the convo I finally reminded her I was on my way to lunch.  So, let’s recap what I learned today from the above interaction and several personal phone calls:

·         Mr. STBBD is a Redneck Neanderthal

·         Mr. PMIND and her are soooooooo connected and she fears that she will never find that with anyone else

·         She has high Christian morals, but will explain to her future children that her age played into her decision to have babies before marriage (or a ring)

·         Her bowling Groupon is expiring this weekend 

·         She is supposed to ovulate on Monday

·         If she makes a suggestion on furniture placement in your house and you don’t take it, she will be “highly offended," because, after all, you don't pay a designer and then don't take their advice

·         She had not yet received an invite to her friend’s dad’s birthday party (inconceivable!)

·         Just because you have a license doesn’t mean you are a good driver

·         She was in an accident when she was 20 in her blue Mountaineer and broke some bones in her hand, but thanfully the tire on the back absorbed a lot of the shock

·        Grandma shit herself today

Next week I will tell you about the “muffin incident” and introduce you to some more of my cray-cray coworkers…..we are just getting warmed up!

Cheers!

The Plot Thickens

Ms. TMI came in at 10 today, a slight improvement over yesterday’s arrival time.  She immediately asked if anyone had been looking for her, which implies she knows what time work actually starts.  I was in the middle counting something and was not able to give her my immediate attention.  So, she felt the need to note this by saying “looks like you are actually using your brain!”  Really!? 

Then, 10 minutes into her work day a miracle occurred; she closed her door to make a personal phone call!  Now, the personal phone call isn’t the surprise here, it’s the fact that she actually closed the door to do so.  Too bad she talked loud enough for the entire hallway to hear the conversation through the door.  So, things I never wanted to know the details about now include:

The first love of her life, that she never dated, is talking about a destination wedding with his current girlfriend.  You know, this time last year he said he never even wanted to get married, but now this!  You know he moved in with her and didn’t even tell me?!  The nerve!  (Much crying ensued….). 

I’m sure I will get the full “report” later in the day.  Something to look forward to. 

Cheers!